So that’s what the soul feels like…

I have to admit; I feel I’m behind enemy lines with this social media thing. We are informed and connected in ways I would have never believed possible. I thought a “beeper” was an amazing piece of technology. Now, my “Friends” know who my “friends” are, where I am, and what I’m eating, with a few clicks on my phone. I’m not sure even Ray Bradbury could have envisioned this.

So, it’s always interesting to go through a growth spurt. I don’t usually know when I’m entering one, except that I usually feel dissatisfied with a part of my life for a period of time.  In this case, it happens to be work.

Over the past three years my job, five days a week, 52 weeks a year is to navigate which direction papers should go. Let’s see, does this one have the privilege to visit one of the many VIPs, do I get to send another to be transformed into a check that any number of individuals will be happy to receive, perhaps the most fortune will be scanned and uploaded into a database for all of time and eternity. Okay, so maybe I’m trivializing it, but honestly, some days I feel I spend most of my time building a paper nest, only to rebuild it again the following day.

Yes, I am very, very fortunate to be employed. I have great benefits, and retirement and most importantly, I have made some life-long friends over the past 13 years. I don’t want to seem ungrateful; however, with that said, there are times I just stand back and ask myself, “Is this as good as it gets?”  I know at my “core” there is something more…but what is it? And how do I get there?

About two months ago the pastor at the church my husband and I have been attending challenged the congregation to read the new international version of the New Testament titled, “The Books of the Bible” in five weeks. I had never read the New Testament, even within the 3-4 years I had converted to Mormonism when I was 17. I was actually excited about accomplishing this in such a short period of time. The time line was predetermined and the design of this book read like a good novel. I truly enjoyed it. The message…love, love, and love.  This opened me up to my next book, “Spiritual Partnership”. 

“Spiritual Partnership” by Gary Zukav talks about the alignment of your soul to your personality. In it’s simplest terms, and what I am trying to practice, is to respond to situations from a place of understanding and compassion (my soul) and not react out of a feeling of frustration, or fear (a response from my personality).

I’m trying to doing as the author recommends and that is to pay attention to how my body is physically responding to a situation as it’s happening. If I feel stressed, hurt, or angry my body will respond. I will feel tension in my body, my throat feels tight, my stomach is upset, or I feel like getting away – running.  This is my body’s way of telling me a nerve is being touched that is directly related to a frightened or hurt part of my personality. If I just try and slow down and not respond so quickly, but think to myself, “What am I afraid of right now?” Usually, I’m finding it’s about losing some control, or sense of power.  Isn’t releasing power in itself powerful?

I begin with a mantra of “come from a place of love, come from a place of love…” The tone in my mind isn’t always that calm, as I am fending away the militant voice that is saying, “they don’t deserve it!” Trust me, I have more than the militant; how many in a battalion?  It is literally a ping-pong match until I give way to one or the other. I have to look at it like being at the gym. It’s a flabby muscle; it takes time.

I have made a discovery this week when this process did work. I found that some things really aren’t about me, but the other person’s own fears or insecurities. Unfortunately, I can’t heal that part of them no matter what approach I try. Knowing that, I responded differently. Actually, I felt bad that someone was in a painful place. This is a change from feeling defensive and anxious because I felt I was the brunt of something over which I had no control.

It occurred to me that by staying connected to my “core” or my soul I would find my way to where ever it is I need to go. And maybe, just maybe, it won’t involve a paper nest.


About frontporchgab

My name is Christy and I live in San Diego. I’m 53 years old and love finding humor in life. I have been married for four years (second marriage) and we have five 20 something kids between the two of us. My husband and I are raising two adorable mutts that we treat and talk to like we do our own kids. Ah, those child rearing days have come again. Weekends I love riding our Harley with my husband, summer camping in the Sierras or at our beautiful coasts, walk dog park with our mutts, reading,, traveling-anywhere, spending time with family; I'm generally up for anything that doesn't involve jumping out of a plane. I'm new to blogging and am I'm finding myself excited about writing again. Any suggestions you can send my way I would love to hear from you!
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